I, for one, welcome our new tarantula overlords.

We have alarming news out of Southeastern Colorado, where The Denver Channel reports there has been a sizeable increase in spider activity.

The piece goes out of its way to emphasize how Not A Big Deal this is. But, reader, I am not so sure.

I have been mentally prepared to be carried off this mortal coil by hordes of spiders ever since I read an alarming article in the Washington Post a few years ago, which contended there are enough spiders in the world to eat every single person. All seven billion of us. Once you learn that sort of information, you simply can’t unlearn it, and learn to be ready to make peace with your life on the double should the spiders ever decide to turn on us. Better than robots, I suppose.

Have the spiders finally woken up to the sheer numbers advantage that they possess over mankind? Have they decided that enough is enough and they are tired of being squished by mildly terrified people, squinting for some reason, whenever they come into someone’s house?

Here’s how the piece explains the sudden increase in spider activity:

“Paula Cushing is an evolutionary biologist who studies arachnids at the Denver Museum of Nature & Science. She said during this time of year — late August into the fall — male tarantulas in the southern and southeastern parts of the state molt, develop fully formed sexual organs and become very active.”

The spiders aren’t out to overthrow human civilization, you say, they’re just looking to get freaky? I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe that. 

The piece continues with the alarming news that the spiders are on the move. I believe something similar happened in the Harry Potter literary universe …

“‘Tarantulas have been reported as far north as Colorado Springs, but Pueblo is sort of the traditional part of the range,’ she said.”

Soon, mankind will be overrun. We will be, best case, the spiders’ slaves, digging their burrows for them and serving as an emergency meat supply in case the insect population takes a nose dive, which it will because of the explosion of the spider population due to excitement at having taken over the world and a lack of natural predators (boot heels, heavy books, plastic cups with pieces of paper under them, etc.).

I suppose this part is meant to be reassuring:

“‘A bite from a tarantula won’t lead to a medical emergency, but it certainly would hurt,’ she said. ‘Should one of the animals become really annoyed at you, and you’d have to get them really annoyed, they could strike with their centimeter-long fangs, which are large enough to break skin,’ she said.”

Reader, I am not reassured.

The spiders are coming for us, folks. Find a way to appease them or become spider food. I, for one, am taking up weaving in hopes they will mistake it for web-spinning and think I’m one of them.

What do YOU think? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.

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