No Need to Thank Us

So you’ve decided to take a road trip in Colorado. Congratulations! That’s a great decision. The state is full of lovely scenery and wonderful and weird attractions. And, because we’re awesome, we’ve made you an itinerary!

Denver International Airport

You arrive in Denver via airplane, because you took an airplane to get to the starting spot of The Ultimate Colorado Road Trip. (You could’ve just drove. It is a road trip, after all.) If you live in Colorado, drive out to DIA so you can start the road trip. Specifically, drive out to the big blue horse statue outside the terminal.

The legend is, the statue is haunted because it fell on the guy who made it and killed him. That’s why the statue looks so creepy. Or maybe it’s the red eyes? Actually, it’s probably the red eyes. Look away from the red eyes, though. You need to keep your eyes on the road because you’re headed southwest toward …

Bailey

Bigfoot, or Sasquatch, or whatever your preferred nomenclature for America’s favorite missing link, there’s a museum designated to him … or her … or it? There are exhibits and there’s a gift shop — it’s very cool! Maybe bigfoot will show up and you can take a grainy photo of him (or her or it). There’s also a brewery next door because duh, Colorado. Don’t get too tipsy though, because after this you’re headed to …

Fairplay

This is the town the show South Park is based on. This is the only fact anyone knows about Fairplay, and you are contractually and morally obligated to mention it whenever anyone brings Fairplay up.

Hey, did you know Fairplay is the town South Park is based on?

Locals love this. Don’t hang around too long, because you need to flee an angry mob that is sick of hearing about South Park and head to …

Pueblo

Pueblo is home to the Colorado Mental Health Museum. Go see how people with mental illnesses were treated before there were therapists and SSRIs.

Mental health issues are still wildly misunderstood pretty much everywhere, but we’ve made a lot of progress. That’s something to ponder as you head toward …

Manassa

Manassa is the hometown of legendary heavyweight boxer Jack “The Manassa Mauler” Dempsey. There’s a museum dedicated to Dempsey that you should definitely check out. For a truly authentic experience, find a townsperson and have them punch you in the face. Not too hard, though, because you’ll have to be relatively healthy when you get to …

Pagosa Springs

There are many good things you can say about Pagosa Springs. It’s one of the most beautiful and underrated towns in Colorado. It also, unfortunately, spawned the country song, “Wolf Creek Pass,” by C.W. McCall, which, as a country music fan, I am truly sorry for. I’m embarrassed. We should all be. Get over this terrible song, though, because you’re on to …

Durango

Durango was the site of one of the worst environmental disasters in recent memory (at least for Colorado), when a crew working for the EPA accidentally removed a plug and caused three million gallons of mine waste into the river. The mine had, apparently, been leaking for years, but still.

On the other hand, maybe drinking from the Animas River will give you superpowers? Only one way to find out.

Actually, don’t do that. That’s a very bad decision.

Cortez

This is the end of The Ultimate Colorado Road Trip. You live here now. That’s what makes it The Ultimate Colorado Road Trip.

You’re welcome.

Next time, go horseback riding through Colorado! Click here to learn more.

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