9 Types of People Every Coloradan has Dated
The Ultra-fit Ego-monster
Colorado is known to be one of the most active states in the country with the lowest obesity rate. However, we all know that one tall, dark, and beautiful athlete who practically sprints the Manitou Incline and can’t wait to tell us about the new protein powder he or she just payed $79.99 for. They enjoy cool 13 mile runs around Washington Park and shopping the latest trends at Lululemon. They spend half their day working out, and the other half taking mirror selfies. We all know who I’m describing right now, and every Coloradan has dated one. If you’re interested, though, you can catch him or her at your local Crossfit gym, or follow them on instagram.
This one loves the ganja as much as Bob Marley did, and isn’t afraid of who knows it. They opened your eyes to the injustices going on in the world and completely changed your mind on eating meat (for a time). Additionally they always had a joint in their hand and were always chill. His or her hair may or may not be dreaded, but you can definitely count on an article of clothing being tie dyed. Almost every Coloradan has dated one at some point. Needless to say, these types of people are chill and usually contribute to the stereotype that Coloradans are very nice people.
Not to be confused with The Hippy, The Wook is a whole other level of dread-headed, tye-dyed, experimental recreational drug taker. The Wook will heal you with their crystals, and has a favorite spot to get trippy at Phish or STS9 at Red Rocks. He or she doesn’t have a car, but magically gets around and seems to be everywhere. They constantly ask to bum a cigs but pride themselves on their $300 pinecone necklace. You can spot the Wook by their long dreads and trailing scent of patchouli. While maybe not every Coloradan has dated The Wook, we all know who this person is and have had some kind of interaction with them.
You could catch this cool cat at a local coffee shop sipping cold brew coffee out of a hand painted mason jar. His or her jeans look like they could rip at any moment due to the tightness, and they may or may not have a colorfully decorated arm of tattoos. The Hipster could easily tell you the exact coordinates of every single local craft brewery in Colorado. He or she enjoys the latest trends found at Urban Outfitters and will be the first to tell you that they are a vegan. They know all the local bands playing at the most obscure venues, and aren’t afraid to tell you they were the “first” to like something. Every Coloradan has dated one in persuit of the newest and best in pre-trends, but after a while their pretentious attitude became way too much.
You now have about $1,000 worth of hiking, camping, and survival gear stuffed into your closet because of The Outdoorsman/woman. Their fit and upbeat attitudes attracted you immediately and their humble-brags of trekking up 14,000 ft inspired you. You got all the gear and huffed and puffed your way up the mountain due to this one. While there is no regret attached to the outdoorsman/woman, you may have realized that showers and not feeling like your lungs were collapsing was more your speed. Hey, at least your calves look GREAT now!
The Rave Junkie
You met this one on some facebook page looking for tickets for that concert or festival at Red Rocks. He or she introduced you to the latest and greatest of EDM and never had a bad song suggestion. They were into EDM “before it got mainstream” and refuses to call it so. After a while you couldn’t keep up with the rave gear, all the electro-jazz-house-deep-psychedelic-funk subgenres, and expensive shows they LIVE for. But most of all you just couldn’t stand to hear PLUR one more time.
Even though you yourself were born and raised in Colorado, when you dated this one you were CONSTANTLY reminded that they were. We all have Colorado pride, but this guy or girl REALLY has it. He or she is almost always decked out in their Colorado flag gear, bumper stickers galore, and they are the FIRST to yell about transplants the minute they’re in the smallest amount of traffic. On the plus side, they keep out-of-towners in line on hikes and know everything there is to know about this amazing state.
The Broncos OBSESSED
Like box seats but hate having someone scream in your ear literally the whole game? There is a LOT of Broncos pride here in Colorado, obviously, but this one took that fandom to a whole other level. Every Colorado has dated The Broncos Obsessed, or probably is one. Your first date was to a sports bar and they showed up in head-to-toe blue and orange paint. Actually, now that you think about it, with the wigs and paint and elaborate costumes you don’t actually know what they really look like. You broke up because the Broncos lost a game and you were blamed for “messing with the chi.” Bummer.
The Marijuana Enthusiast
DO NOT confuse this one with the happy stoner hippie. They literally know every strain and could completely break down the science of blowing wax for you. They are a connoisseur of sorts when it comes to the sticky. Smoking with them was more like a wine tasting than anything else, and you DEFINITELY couldn’t keep up. They are extremely high-functioning after an unmeasurable amount of pot. Legalized marijuana was the best thing to ever happen to them and they’ve signed about 50+ petitions for national legalization. You can’t go into their guest room because “the babies are sleeping” babies meaning plants.
Thanks for checking out our list of people every Coloradan has dated!! Remember these are all jokes and totally extreme versions of people, and should not be taken seriously!